Jul. 18--HIGH-TECH ETHICAL SOLUTIONS: Perhaps you've been amused by the notion that our American friends are belatedly discovering crony capitalism in their own back yard. Tales in recent days of George W. Bush's curious business career have made for entertaining reading.
Yesterday this space was given over to Paul Krugman, who detailed how a young but connected Texas businessman parlayed a $606,000 investment in a baseball team into $14.9 million over nine years. You can look it up.
Clearly, some remedial work is needed on the ethics front. Could technology help? Absolutely, says Matt Richtel, the highly entertaining technology columnist with the New York Times. He envisions a world where people facing dilemmas could dial, point or click their way to moral certainty. The following excerpts detail the devices that he says Corporate America needs now: The GPS: Are you asking yourself: "Who are these so-called `shareholders' I've heard so much about?" It may be time to consult your new GPS -- the Global Positioning Spitzer.
This handy navigational device keeps you on the straight and narrow by telling you at all times where you can find Eliot Spitzer, the New York attorney-general. Then it's just a matter of firing off an instant message asking him whether it would be considered illegal, or just creative bookkeeping, to burn down your office, then shred the ashes.
A related product is a global positioning system for your conscience. Using expert triangulation, you can find where your sense of right and wrong has wandered.
SHELL-CHECKER: In the spirit of spelling-checker programs, this remarkable new software will give you a heads-up if you start working on a document or e-mail message about starting partnerships like ones that Enron has been accused of setting up.
With squiggly red underlines, it will highlight offending words you otherwise might not blanch at, such as "pyramid," names of Star Wars characters or "steal".
In one version of the software, an animated creature appears at the top right corner of the screen and says: "It looks as if you're trying to start a shell corporation. Would you like assistance drafting a letter to the parole board?" (For better or worse, you will never be able to turn off this feature.)
THE TIME MACHINE: This is a handy application for the Palm that can help keep you on the righteous path. Simply enter your plans for overstating revenue, doing off-book transactions, or telling all your friends to dump your stock. This program will help you automatically calculate how much time you can expect to serve.
Made by the finest Silicon Valley and legal minds, the algorithm deftly accounts for any legal breaks you may receive for past political contributions. And it doubles as a phone!
Version 2.0 will offer virtual landscapes of a white-collar prison so you can see where you can expect to spend the next 18 months.
ASK THE LORD: Ask Jeeves, the service that lets you ask questions over the Internet, has its advantages. But if you're in an ethical quandary, why not seek counsel from a higher power?
Yes, the new Altar Vista service is a search engine with soul. It comes with all the instant response of Ask Jeeves, but with the moral underpinnings of Scripture. And have no fear that you won't be able to log in; God's servers are never down!
Questions for this ethical query engine might include: Is it okay to engage in insider trading? Should I move my corporation offshore to avoid paying taxes? Can I continue to make TV appearances from my prison cell?
VS, VERSION 1.0: Sometimes it is tough to remember that you are not the centre of the universe. After all, you are a chief executive, or have an otherwise sweet parking spot. Using Virtual Shareholder technology will help you remember the people to whom you have a sworn duty -- no, not the other energy executives, but your stockholders.
Yes, VS will create a three-dimensional image on your desktop of the little people who may not have picked up the sarcastic tone in your prospectus. The on-screen icons, representing various demographic groups and using the latest in voice synthesis, will give you a polite reminder that it's not right to make quotation signs with your hands, or wink, when you say the word "revenue".
--Email us at insider@bangkokpost.net
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